For those who don’t believe in energy of people, I’m not going to ramble about how you should and why. But there are some people who feel it deep, without meaning to or asking for it. With some people, energy affects them down to the core. I am one of those people.
It always amazes me when life affirming moments come when you need them most. One of those moments happened on Sunday. I went to go meet my friend Lucy at a house party in Dalston after work. It was a small party, but exactly what I needed and wanted–> a good friend, with good people, chatting shit in the early hours.
There was a man there who didn’t make a good first impression on me. He was from New York, and 55, which isn’t a problem, but age kept coming up throughout the day and I think it makes more sense to understand him. As soon as I met him he jumped straight to the point.
“Have you ever been with a black man before? Have you ever been with an older guy before?” To which I replied no, and no.
“Are you a racist?”
I was taken aback. “I’m one of the least racist person you’ll ever meet.” I banged on for a while about understanding my hierarchy in society, and given this understanding I am allowed to have an opinion on racism bla bla bla.
After the host of the party kicked us out (very nicely might I add, because he was sleepy- fair, fair) we ended up back at Lucy’s house (the American (Roland), Lucy, Matt and myself). As things got slightly more blurry, me and Roland ended up having a weird moment. We were dancing to “I’m Every Woman” by Chaka Khan. Roland is very American and quite a talker, with a loud, booming voice. I was singing away when he started to talk really loudly at me so I danced around him and put my hands over his mouth (just to shh him for a while, and I meant it in jest).
He took this very personally. We got in to deep chats- he was very offended, how dare I do that to him bla bla. I got upset because I didn’t mean it like that and it hurts me to think someone could ever have such a bad reaction to something I did to them.
Eventually he pulled back and it’s as though something clicked inside his soul. The mood between us completely changed. He hugged me close. He said I had the most powerful energy. Energy like nothing else he’s ever experienced. I’m a powerful woman, who devotes her time to making sure everyone in the whole room is doing alright. He said I need to channel it to everyone I surround myself with–> him and I hadn’t had our bonding moment until this moment, which he said had confused him. He felt I had been resisting before. I said this was unintentional.
I couldn’t believe it though. He fucking got me. He got me down to a tee, and all it took was one moment to shift that energy between us. What really got me was when he said “You’re so busy looking after everyone else, but who’s gonna take care of you?”
I told him I could take care of myself, but in that moment I realised that he was right. He understood something about me that I didn’t even understand until this moment. I’d never been able to verbalise it in my mind before. It’s not that I NEEDED someone to take care of me, I just needed someone who GOT me (not him obvs), someone who was aware of this part of me, and that wanted to care for me naturally. Someone who CARES for me, who wants to make sure I’m good all the time. Who’s energy swirls with mine. I think this is the point at which I started crying. Because to be so fully understood in a matter of five minutes, it was truly a weight off my soul. I needed that in that moment. I’ve been fucking around with fuckboys, who don’t ask me how my day is, who only calls or texts when they see fit. And that morning one particular fuckboy had hurt me. I won’t go into details about it because I’m bored even thinking about it, but in that moment it all clicked. Fuck that SHIT, I don’t need that. I am a boss ass woman surrounded by loving and caring boss ass women and men who build me up and THOSE are the people we need in our lives. I’d much rather be by myself than keep playing with the same type of insecure boy. It’s always the same. And it’s not fucking worth it. I’d rather be by myself until I find someone who truly cares. Who understands. Or who wants to understand anyway.
It’s these moments that make life a beautiful thing. All of a sudden the world made sense for just a moment. When these moments come, cling to them. Understand them, embrace them. People are beautiful, sometimes you just get caught up with the wrong ones.
(Cover image taken that morning✌️️)